I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
