he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
