Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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