I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
