his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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