Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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