Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
