Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
