I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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