You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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