There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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