wanna go halves on a baby?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
