On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
