i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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