Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize