I have demons in me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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