You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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