last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
