I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
