I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
