We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
