i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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