I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
