M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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