He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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