Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
