omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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