Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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