i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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