I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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