god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I came so hard my ears popped.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
