Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Everyone says I win the strip club
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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