and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
