I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
