I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
