I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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