tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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