Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
