im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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