Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
the raccoons are back...
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