I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
