he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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