cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
