She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize