If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
