Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize