u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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