Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize