i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
