my soul wont recognize me after tonight
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
