I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
