somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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