My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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