Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
