She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
