my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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