This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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