What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
