I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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