Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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