i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
