Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
