apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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